Friday, March 6, 2009

Fail

fail

Can you see it? That bad case of "bra fail" just waiting to happen? That strap is just hanging on by a thread and could go at any moment. Luckily, I don't have massive wild bossoms that will be flying everywhere when it happens.

My husband says just about every night, "Why don't you JUST GO BUY A BRA ALREADY?!?! Maybe get crazy and buy TWO!!!!"

I don't know. I like to get every last ounce of use out of things like bras and socks and underwear (see Cheap) and one bra has been enough for the past two years....and beige is the only color I can make myself buy and I don't need two beige bras (I know, makes no sense.) I mean if I had run out and bought myself a new bra as soon as this one started wearing out I would have done so a year ago. And see! It has lasted a whole nother year! In fact, I predict I have another 3-4 good months left on that strap. And I bet if I re-enforced it with a safety pin, I'd have another year. Hmmmmmm.

And a hearty welcome to my VGNO Ladies. Poke around and enjoy yourself. I may not be on tonight because we are having company, but I'll catch up this weekend.

Oh, and for the party game--women are "angelic" dontcha think? And if you DON'T think so maybe you should just keep your pie-hole SHUT! Got it?!?

toodles

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Sanity

sanity

I don't do product reviews because that's just not what this blog is about, but if I like something I don't mind telling people.

Today I am here to testify that I am now sane 4 weeks out of the month instead of only two...and if you don't believe me, just ask my husband.

Since Munchkin was born, I have had THE most hideous PMS. I mean stark raving crazy--don't even look at me cross-eyed or I'm filing for divorce--how DARE you use my toothbrush on accident now I have to cram it up your butt--my child is the spawn in the devil--C-R-A-Z-Y! Contrast that with the first two weeks of my cycle when my husband is just too funny, he's sometimes forgetful but it's so endearing, and my child is the most enchanting child on earth.

I spent two years having every hormone screening imaginable, choking down Chinese herbs, reading virtually every book that had been written on women's hormones and PMS, doing yeast eradication, taking every other herb that I had heard about, read about or even dreamt about. I finally got relief from taking natural progesterone, but I was still up and down for that two weeks and I had to take so much of it.

Two months ago I was flitting through the health food store and grabbed a little informational pamphlet entitled Preventing Cancer in Women Naturally—with DIM by Holly Lucille, ND (sorry, you have to register to read it online. If you don't want to register, email me and I can email you a PDF.)

Basically, this little substance called DIM (a merciful abbreviation for diindolylmethane) is a powerful nutrient found in broccoli, cauliflower and other cruciferous vegetables that has a direct effect on hormone balance. However, to get the full effect you would have to eat something like 10lbs of broccoli a day and they just don't make enough Beano for me to do that. If you can't tolerate 10lbs of fart flower a day, you can take a nifty little pill. And that nifty little pill is precisely why my husband and I are still married and my child has not been sent away.

After reading the pamphlet I thought, seriously WTH? I have nothing to lose but my sanity and I've been doing that for 2 weeks out of every month for the past few years. So I bought a bottle, started taking it the day I ovulated and sat back and waited for everything around me to start pissing me off.......but it never did. I noticed my child and husband were getting really annoying about 4 days later so I started taking the maximum dosage and they miraculously became enchanting again. This month I just started with the maximum dose and I've been walking around like someone was blowing sunshine up my ass for the whole two weeks.

I purposely waited two months to say anything about it to my friends because I wanted to make sure it wasn't just a fluke. I am just finishing my second PMS-free month and my husband has promised me that he is buying stock in my "happy pills".

The product I purchased was EstroBalance by Enzymatic Therapy. I bought a different brand that was on sale and took a few pills last month and started going crazy. When I switched back to the EstroBalance, everything got sunny again so I won't be using anything but my favorite brand. (Disclaimer: I am not in cahoots with Enzymatic Therapy in any way. I am not being paid to endorse their product, HOWEVER if you guys over there at Enzymatic Therapy want to send me a lifetime supply of those "happy pills" I will gladly have your logo tattooed on my butt.)

So take the information and do whatever you want with it. I just had to put it out there because I wouldn't wish my PMS on anyone else in the world. It was so frustrating and so depressing and I hated myself for two weeks out of every month--50% OF THE TIME!!--and that was no fun for me or the people I love.

Peace out.

Oh, and P.S. I don't THINK there are many (if any) men reading this blog, but if you are and you get the bright idea to go buy this for your wife, DON'T. Maybe email her and say, "I ran across this funny new blog I thought you might like" and hope she reads it, or print out the article and send it to her anonymously in the mail, but DON'T go out and buy a bottle for her and plop it down on the kitchen table. She would be completely within her rights to throw you and the pills off a water tower.

Monday, March 2, 2009

E?

E?

So Munchkin has been getting 5 M&Ms whenever he takes his antibiotic. (I know, tsk tsk tsk. But honestly I have tasted the stuff and I wouldn't take it unless you promised me a gift certificate to the W Salon & Spa every time, so I figure in this economy we're getting off good with 5 M&Ms.)

Anyhoo, he gets his five M&Ms the other night and takes them over to his little special place to lay them all out and go through the ritual of counting them and grouping them by color (he IS my child) and deciding which one he should eat first when he says, "Mom, why deez M-uh-Ms don't have Ms on 'em?" I go over and look and ask what he means because they all have Ms on them. He says, "No Mom. Doze are EEEEs." And do you know how he knew that? Because he has a big ole stack of Flashcard Zoo Flashcards. (Sorry. Couldn't resist. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.)

So I turned them all 45 degrees to tranform the Es into Ms. "Wow, Mom. How did you do dat?"